So I just started a job as a swimming instructor. Before I can take my
own classes I have to do a certain amount of training. Yesterday was my first
day and I was paired with a young guy to teach me the ropes. He was fit,
friendly, into music and festivals and we got along really well.
We were teaching very small children how to get comfortable in the water
and within a few minutes I already noticed a huge difference between the boys
and the girls. It wasn't their skill level, their behaviour or even their
appearances, it was the way my fellow swimming instructor was treating them. He
referred to the young boys as 'buddy' while he comforted the young girls with
his use of the word 'sweetheart'. I know for the most part this was because he
couldn't remember their names, but I felt really uncomfortable about it.
To see gender roles and stereotypes ingrained in children at such a
young age is particularly difficult for someone who was prescribed the wrong
one as a child. Although this is done all the time and we can't really know
what effect it has on children, I think it's dangerous territory.
I definitely noticed a huge shift when transitioning from female-to-male
purely from the perspective of which words people started to refer to me with.
Walking into shops and being called 'dude', 'buddy', 'mate', I realised I was
suddenly invited into a special VIP club that I had not necessarily signed up
to be in. I was a part of the team. It immediately made me feel supported
unlike those words' counters, 'sweetheart', 'darling', 'honey', which always
made me feel angry and patronised.
So what’s
so wrong with calling a woman, sweetheart?
Well, for one, it is a reminder that you are being viewed as a gender
first, and not a person. Women can just as easily be called ‘buddy’, ‘mate’ or
even ‘dude’ but men (I imagine) would be hugely insulted if someone referred to
them as ‘sweetheart’. Why is this? Well because being a woman in society is
looked down upon, so comparing a man to a woman? Unheard of! Unfortunately, women
are so used to being seen as purely their gender, and this word says it pretty
blatantly. It’s like calling someone a ‘female doctor’, why can’t she just be a
doctor? Oh, but then we wouldn’t know how miraculous her career path is because
she’s a woman!
This also reinforces a stereotypical expectation that I would say is a
very large handful of years outdated, that women must be delicate, approachable
and frankly, that a woman is anyone’s for the taking. Speaking on behalf of my
past female-identifying self, I am NOT your sweetheart. I’m no one’s
sweetheart. I’m not even my OWN sweetheart! (I’m just not that sweet) and
calling someone that, tells them that not only do they have to live up to this
now expected image of them as a happy, lovely, always positive being, but that
they have to live up to it for you, a stranger!
Irrespective of the gender thing, it’s a power play. What right do you
have to call a woman you have never met in your life, a ‘sweetheart’? You don’t
know that she has a sweet heart, so don’t make assumptions, and I can guarantee
that if you call her that, you will not get the chance to see her elusive sweet
heart.
Since
when did pet names become an okay thing to call a stranger?
I wouldn’t hand a stranger his coffee at a café and tell him to “have a
good day, baby / muffin / pumpkin pie”, so why is ‘sweetheart’, ‘honey’,
‘love’, etc. okay?
I know this is a problem. I always have. I noticed particularly when I
stepped out of my house Day 1 presenting as male and was greeted with a totally
different dynamic in every customer service circumstance I faced. The thing
that really shocked me was seeing it at a swimming school, with children maybe
six years old.
Next time I see a little girl requiring assurance in the pool as she
learns to swim for the first time, you can be sure I will not tell her ‘you can
do it, sweetheart’, I will tell her that she can do it, not because she is
sweet, not because she is lovely, but because she is strong.
